Occam's Chainsaw

A complete and fully rational explanation of what happened in Orem, assembled entirely from things people with a podcast dedicated to this topic have said out loud.

Satire. Obviously. Although at this point, who can tell.

There is an old principle in logic called Occam’s Razor: when you have two explanations, the simpler one is usually true. It has served humanity well for seven hundred years, and it has now been retired. In its place, the internet has adopted Occam’s Chainsaw: when you have two explanations, choose the one that requires tunnels no one has ever seen.

After reading the podcast transcripts of America’s bravest podcaster, I am now prepared to lay out the complete, official, thoroughly sourced theory of the case. between ad reads.

Here it is.

Somewhere beneath a college campus in Orem, Utah, in tunnels that no student, janitor, or building inspector has ever seen, an assassin trained by the French Foreign Legion (activated at a donor meeting that never closed) fired a shot from below a stage while a completely different shooter fired from a rooftop, both of them working for Israel, which was disguised as Egypt, whose airplanes had spent years tailing a woman whose flight logs show she was in a hospital having contractions at the time, all to protect a four-nation sex-trafficking cartel jointly administered by governments that cannot jointly administer a customs form, a cartel that was about to be exposed by a campus-tour podcaster who had just survived a Hamptons intervention so menacing that he texted the man pleasantries afterward, and whose top donors were in that very moment silently prying their names off buildings in a coordinated 48-hour financial exodus witnessed by absolutely no one except the anonymous sources who only ever seem to call one phone number in Nashville, while his own bodyguard slipped out of a classified meeting at a military base he has never visited, in a state he wasn’t in, on a day his travel records place him in Dallas, and his wife, who would later spend four and a half hours voluntarily answering questions with phone records and a lawyer present, thereby proving beyond all doubt that she is hiding something, prepared to inherit an empire with the help of ancient Sumerian time-bending technology, all of it staged as advance marketing for a war in Iran that would not exist for another five months, a plot so vast, so flawless, and so multinational that the only thing it could not manage was outsmarting the one podcaster who cracked the whole thing wide open between ad reads for gold, ivermectin skin cream, and tax debt relief.

And if you find yourself asking about the 22-year-old in custody whose own text messages describe the shooting: please. Don’t be naive. The evidence is fake. Tomorrow’s episode will prove it. And there is no disproving what tomorrow’s episode will prove.

The Rules of Evidence

For those new to independent research, the epistemology is simple, and I have summarized it here as a public service:

Evidence against the theory is proof of the coverup. Absence of evidence is proof of how deep it goes. A confession is proof they got to him. Cooperation with investigators is proof of guilt. Refusal to cooperate is also proof of guilt. Grief is acting. Composure is acting. Four and a half hours of voluntary testimony with documents is what a guilty person does. Zero hours of testimony is also what a guilty person does. The theory cannot lose, which is how you know it is science.

And the sourcing standard is rigorous: an anonymous person contacted the host. That is it. That is the standard. The New York Times requires two independent confirmations. The genre requires one DM.

A Brief Note on Logistics

I would only gently observe that this theory requires the seamless cooperation of at least four intelligence services, two shooters, one bodyguard, several donors, a construction crew (the tunnels, someone had to dig the tunnels), the Federal Aviation Administration, a hospital maternity ward, and the ancient Sumerians. All operating in perfect synchronization. All leaving no evidence except the evidence that is fake.

Meanwhile the actual governments of the actual countries involved cannot coordinate a group dinner reservation.

The plot that runs the world, it turns out, is administered flawlessly by the same class of people who lose your luggage.

Now the Part That Isn’t Funny

Here is the thing I actually want you to notice, and I will say it in one cold paragraph before returning you to your regularly scheduled ad read for emergency food buckets.

Every single thread of this theory, no matter where it starts, arrives at the same address. The tunnels lead there. The donors lead there. The flight logs lead there. The widow leads there. A young man is dead, a family is destroyed, a suspect’s own messages are sitting in an evidence locker, and the loudest voices in the room looked at all of that grief and saw a growth opportunity, and the growth strategy was the oldest one on the shelf: whatever the question, the answer is the Jews. That is not investigation. The theory has no evidence, all it has is a customer base that has been walked, one reasonable-feeling step at a time, that is completely insane.

Evidence and lack there of only prove one thing, everything is fake and gay and the fault of the Jews. And when tomorrow’s episode promises the proof that yesterday’s episode also promised, check whether the only thing that ever actually arrives is the discount code.

I won’t even name her because she should be forgotten in the trash heap of grifters but sadly people lack discernment.

It’s not to late. Think for yourself. While it’s still allowed.